well. this will be decently long too, but ill start out with what i had written down.
a few days ago breezy and i got into a deep conversation revolving around a song by bowling for soup called highschool never ends.
she got depressed because it does end. i laugh because it really does NOT end.
example. my mum and carl bitch about work all the time. immature ass people. gossipers. seriously highschool does not end. everywhere you go there are (i quote panic! at the disco)harlequin girls and testosterone boys. like at my mums work they start stupid rumors and gab and, "oh rachel and carl had sex in the closet blah blah blah." really. no joke.
will i miss real highschool? yes. but i will always be able to remember it because of the type of people that surround you.
what to do about the people that surround you? i honestly dont know. i mean, i have ocd so im always bristly and i just want people to fuck off and let me be. i dont like carl especially. maybe its because i live with him. probably. i cant get away. if i work with someone i hate or go to school with people i hate i get away from them. if they have ties with a friend of mine then so fucking be it. i dont have to be with them. but my mum loves carl and blah blah blah. she wants us to be together. but how can she put up with all this shit that never changes. she just deals with it. she has not gotten nearly as strong as she'd like to think she has ever since she left my dad. she still has a low self esteem. shes so girly and i just cant stand her sometimes.
so what to do.
naturally, murder comes to mind. but no, thats so difficult. i will see how shit goes down tomorrow at the counseling session. i will base my actions on how she reacts and how we talk. and the conclusion we come to, if any.
carl isnt the only thing she confuses me about. my disorders confuse her, of course. of course she wont understand. but she says hurtful shit just out of nowhere. like the other night she said she thinks i dont love my pets.
jeez. fuck that. thanks for making me cry AGAIN. gosh. i want them to have the best care. i dont "perfect" them for myself. i do it for them. i do things that are good for them. i brush their teeth because periodontal disease is uncomfortable at the very least. i am going to put eko on a diet because being overweight isnt good for him, not because i dont like seeing him fat. god damn. what the fuck. could i love snickers? yeah, sure i could. but...i already hit him. and you know how i feel about getting a baby animal versus an older animal. i want to be able to raise it and not have it know anything else besides us. no abuse, no hurt. thats what i think.
or is it? damn i cant get ahold of my ocd and control it. its like i have mood swings that are restricted to the inside of the ocd. sometimes i look at someone or something and can think one thing, but it will change later. sometimes i do just want to perfect my animals. sometimes i do it with their benefit in mind. why does it change? how can it change? i am really too young to understand. this disorder. it has a chokehold on me and i just wish it was gone. sure ill still be taking good care of my pets when its gone, but i wont have the constant obsession. it HAS to be this way and no other way. black and white and no grey. i want that changed. and this medicine isnt helping yet....
help me. first it was depression and now this? why this? when will i be able to live in happiness? in a world where i am not obsessed with death and the afterlife. in a world where i dont give a fuck about whats not perfect.
*sigh* i will make it end.
wow. its been longer than a year since i last posted here, and im still just as miserable.
the post i made in my lj was just the usual rambly bs, and ive got other things to post about. for instance, the fight i got in with matt froid, which is going in here.
i sent out a forward that said, what would you ask me if you knew i only had a day to live? matt asked me if i believed in jesus. heres the dialogue.
me:umm...im really not into monotheistic religion. im sorry matt. :(
matt:so you believe in more than one god?
me:well like native american spirituality
matt:like what is it exactly?
me:like theres a spirit for everything...and everyone is on the same level. then when you die you become part of an eternal spirit. im still learning about it. its a little different than other religions ive looked at.
matt:oh. well everyone is equal in gods eyes too. and when you die you become your own spirit.
me:yeah. even though im not a christian i know that jesus was a great man and he helped tonnes of people
matt:and he was spit upon mocked beaten and died nailed to a cross so we could have eternal life
me:exactly. hes the ultimate role model. because he just turned the other cheek and still kept preaching his message
matt:exactly. so why dont you believe in him? like if you can admit that much about him why dont just accept him as your saviour as well?
me:well...im not a christian. i mean, wouldnt it be wrong?
matt:wouldnt what be wrong?
me:like since im not exactly a christian wouldnt it be wrong for me to accept jesus?
matt:no that would make you a christian. like the only object of your faith should be christ and what he did on the cross. thats what a christian is someone who puts their care and faith in jesus.
me:i know. i just dont know if im prepared to be a christian. with all the rules and shtuff. and correct me if im wrong but ive heard lots of anti gay and anti abortion beliefs from the christian community
matt:because its true. i used to be for gay rights and pro choice. but its in the bible black and white. and its just like would you rather spend eternity with your creator in bliss or spend eternity away from him in pain? like so what if there is rules or if youre held to a higher standard. people need to not live how they want to but how they should. the lord holds you to a higher standard for a reason. sin gets in the way of you and god and youre supposed to hold yourself to a moral standard. like look at like why should you get to do something as a christian. so why not give up your life to the person who created you and knew every sin you would ever commit and everytime you would ever turn him being in your life down. he wants to know you and have a relationshiop with you morgy!
me:i really would like to be a christian and all. that promise of eternal love and happiness is appealing. but i cant just let go of gay rights and pro choice beliefs. so im ripped in half. the way i think of it is if god created us and loves us all then why did he create gays? and what if its just the common belief now and itll pass? like back in the old days when the churches wouldnt allow blacks. or in medeival times when the church said bad things about women and jews
matt:well he didnt really create them its a choice. they could stop if they wanted. and its different like there are actual bible verses about gays. and the pro choice is just killing a baby.
me::/ i dont know matt. ive tried to stop before and i cant. even therapy isnt helping. i know ill probably go to hell and burn in the deepest circle if i dont stop now, because im such a sinner. but everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, even if those beliefs are wrong. you are a convincing persnon though. you really ought to be a preacher or something.
matt:im just telling the truth i know in my life. and morgy you can stop with christ.
me:to each their own. im sorry matt.
i wasnt pissed when i got done with that argument. but its just like what the fuck? im going to look up those bible verses. its romans 26 and 26, king james version.
im just really confused because most religions arent for gays. yet there are still people who go against their religion and are for gay rights. half the reason why i dont have a real religion is because the branches fight with one another. they have different interpretations and beliefs. i dont like it.
i just wanted to get that off my phone. i wanted to save it. now im off to either msn space or xanga to post the interesting dreams ive had. see ya.
i posted a special post in xanga just for new years. because i was pissed off and i had already posted in lj. so i suppose i should do the same thing here.(that way people dont have to listen to me rant and rave.)
i hate the new version of aol, and aol explorer as well. and aim, because it saves your screen name unless you uncheck the little box. i dont want that.
i also dont want this mood. the same damn mood ive been in all week. i feel pissed off, but i dont want to scream at anyone. i just feel antisocial. in the mornings and at night(especially right after i get out of the shower)i feel like im high off something. or i just want to tear the room apart. its...hard to explain. at the least. and when i think about tomorrow, or even a week from now, i still picture myself in the same mood. i picture everything the same.
i know crazy people dont know theyre crazy, but sometimes i wonder if i am. when i think about my dreams and my imagination. its not normal.
i could blame it on the music. if i listen to a new kind of music for too long it fucks me up. and i could blame it on all the research i did on hitler. or how creepy my dad was acting last night. the problem is, i felt this way before those things happened.
listening to fall out boy is helping. from under the cork tree cures anything. but my ears hurt from jamming out loud earlier with my headphones on. :( i wouldnt want to ruin my ears. then id really be fucked.
im contemplating going to the same college as teri and jara. i dont know why. for the security i guess. in case someone asks me where i want to go. and mom says its somewhat of a medical school. medicine is interesting. im not so sure about the phychiatrist part anymore. i hear you need good social skills. so fuck that and i need to find something else im extremely interested in.
teri still hasnt answered my e-mail. must be busy. or ignoring me. she knows both of my screen names(unlike crystal)so i cant tell if shes blocking me. ill have to make a third one. or maybe not.
sometimes i really do wonder what it wouldve been like if teri and i were the same age and not related. like we met each other in grade school and were friends ever since. i wonder far too much. yeah. you knew that.
my lj layout needs changed. i hate it. i want that damn paperclip layout teri had but i cant find it. she said shes never figured out how to work lj layouts that arent from lj.
screw it for now. i think layouts hate me anyway.
going over to nicks tomorrow. for sure. theres really not anything i could do to piss mom off. shes going to be sleeping all day, and i hardly have any chores.
i hope he makes me feel better. if he doesnt...well, ill think about it when it happens.
i should get to bed. i need to get up at a decent time. more importantly i need to rest my ears. im limiting my jamming out time tomorrow. with headphones anyway. til i get to nicks.
nighty night.
i dont know why, but im thinking about just using my livejournal. i know i dont need 4 fucking blogs. and livejournal was first.
i wouldnt delete my other ones. i just wouldnt update them. i still want to be able to leave comments on other peoples sites.
or maybe i would. but i want to save the posts. i dont want to throw it away and not be able to get it back, like my 5th grade journal.
just a thought. it might turn into an action.
ive had a text message saved in my phone for nick that said "im sorry." i opened it up and reread it until the word sorry didnt seem like a word anymore. finally i just said, gah. fuck it. and i sent it anyway.
i needed to choose good personality over good looks. sex over love. i think you knew me well enough to know which one i would choose. right?
*sigh* i needed a strong push over the edge. i know nick is the only person who can give it to me. the problem is, i can live with him. i can live without him. so what could he possibly do that would shove me over the edge?
maybe i need to do it myself. i dont know how to fuck myself up any more than i already am, but i can try.
dishes need done, moms closet needs vacuumed. and i am god damn ready to fucking pass out. i dont want to get grounded or anything, though.
alright. mind made up. ill only be using livejournal from now on.
ill still use this occasionally. ill probably post my handwritten journal(s) in here. maybe msn space. we'll see.
haha. maybe ill start to miss having 4 blogs and ill start using them again within a week. right now, i miss posting in livejournal everyday. and it seems easier to use only 1 blog. and everyone can comment in livejournal, because you dont need to have an account.
who knows. everyone who reads this should know how indecisive i am.
laters.
oh what beautiful weather. :) we learned in science that theyre called...stratus clouds? i think. theyre layered so they cover the whole sky. today has been the best day of the week, even though i spent more than half of the day in the worst mood ever. i was supposed to meet nick by the band room door, but he never called and told me when he was leaving. *shrug* so i got to jam out for an extra 10 minutes, plus talk to jakob. finally. i needed it. i can still turn in my fairy tale to mrs.meehan. oh fucking yeah! i was supposed to come to her room after school today, but i forgot. oops. hopefully she'll let me turn it in tomorrow. she said i have a 90% and if i dont turn in the fairy tale itll be a D. *eeep* im just so lucky. band was awesome. i fucking love the music we're playing on the christmas concert. especially charlie brown. hes the best. :) the music doesnt take over my thoughts like the highschool music does. and calm me down. but, its okay. i still like it. what happened at lunch could explain my good mood. i was going to "break up" with nick in p.e. but he didnt come out of the locker room before the bell rang. i wanted jakobs opinion on what i should say to him. we came up with a pretty good plan. he was going to help me. we were just going to cuss him out and whatnot. just make him feel like shit. i dont know if we did that, but it went well. mr.person hadnt unlocked his door yet, so we walked down there and i told nick that i wanted to break up with him. and not be friends afterwards. i never wanted to talk to him again. then jakob added "you can go hang yourself off the god dang stairs. and your momma can kiss my ass and hers." haha. it was funny. and it worked. he didnt even try to talk to me after homeroom. i was expecting to feel all shitty and regretful. but i dont. i felt like i was carrying a thousand pounds and i finally got to put it down. i have mind olympics tomorrow though, and he still has my cell phone number. meh. oh well. i love my ringtone. sometimes i just let my phone ring so i can dance around the room. haha. its only the house phone that pisses me off. i hate hearing that ring. especially if it wakes me up. i feel like going outside and running for some reason. just running until im exhausted. like i do in p.e. we havent had stations since we started doing ping pong. :/ i think i might go do that. or write in my handwritten journal. i need that too. jam out to fall out boy. :) from under the cork tree is one of the best cds ever. i cant wait until their new cd comes out. they get better all the time. evening out with your girlfriend is so so. take this to your grave is good. from under the cork tree is motherfucking amazing. i might wait a while before i get it though. because they might come out with a special edition. *sigh* now the effect of losing a friend sets in. slowly. painfully. i guess ill go outside and do...something. trevor is playing my ps2 and skylar is upstairs helping uncle cal paint moms room. not that it bothers me. but its nice out. it hasnt been sunny in a while. laters.
TGIF! fuck yes!
today wasnt so bad. i was really antsy. i couldnt concentrate(like i ever can). fridays are the worst.
nick talked to me a lot. because i tried to send him that picture but it wouldnt send or something. so he kept bugging me about it. im trying to fix it. i think i did but i wouldnt want to send it. just in case his mom had the phone. *yikes*
i never got my english done. :'( but it was a publishing day. we read our fractured fairy tales. i still dont fucking have mine done. grades for the 6 weeks are due on monday after school. i think. maybe monday morning.
memphis belle questions are due on monday. how damn lucky is my lazy ass?
i had gym today. ariel would not leave me the fuck alone. her and katie donner were saying all sorts of shit about nick. i wish they would shut up. i can hang out with whoever the fuck i feel like hanging out with.
oh, it snowed this morning. and left the sky with a beautiful dark grey tint. a nice, humid breeze too. no jakob to meet at the corner. it was great.
but when i got home and checked my e-mail, i realized that i had left aim on all night. *screams* mom found out and sent me a couple angry e-mails. not super angry. but enough to scare the living shit out of me.
the lecture wasnt bad though. i just apologized. told her the truth. she didnt get all that mad.
im hoping i can still go over to nicks tomorrow. im still planning that suicide(do not ask).
im putting this in here just for teri. :)
mom doesnt know that aim is on our computer. i used to sign on there with my aol screen name. but i have a guardian report and i thought it was working with aim too. so i got a different one.
about halfway through the summer, i told lauren arana that i was going to kill myself. i had told her before, but i didnt tell her when. anyway. when i told her, she called my grandparents since she didnt know my phone number. they called my mom at work and she came home. i didnt know what was going on. she made me sit down on the couch and she looked like she was about ready to cry. then she asked carl if he was going to come in and help her. she told me that someone called my grandparents and told them i was going to kill myself.
i lied. and i lied. lied some more. got myself out of it. we never really talked about it again unless we were in a fight.
she bugged me about that e-mail for quite a while though.
i missed talking to teri. all i ever remember is annoying her. when i was in 3rd grade or something.
4th.
jara and i got in some grand fights.
im in the process of spilling my guts to teri about what ive done with nick. not all of it though. wouldnt want to make her sick.
ive been trying to IM and type this shit at the same time. not working too well.
im going to go mess around with my layouts. livejournal. again.
ttyl.
we could drink cyanide and call it kool aid. thats how good we were at self deceit...
i had to rake the yard when i came home today. im about halfway done, i didnt stop to whine and complain. but man, my hands are sore.
i didnt sleep very well last night either. there are certain things that sit in the very back of my mind and dont bother me until i try to calm down. then they torment me to no end.
things like nick. i like him, but there are things about him that just bug me. he has ADHD. something about him makes me jealous. he used to be a kid that just blended in with the surroundings. nobody i knew hung out with him. he was just nothing.
that bothers me. i wish he wouldve stayed that way. i miss my old friends. i dont care how much of a misfit i was.
damn i am so fucking sick of political commercials. now theyre calling people.
well. i guess today was alright. i was in a shitty mood but nothing bad happened. no homework. nick didnt bother me. neither did jakob.
i should take advantage of my time. go clean my room instead of writing. i actually washed my own clothes last night. :) i didnt shrink anything either. *happy dance*
jara just told me that teri is coming back for thanksgiving. she told me that she was coming back at christmas. hmmm. i suppose its okay. but. she sort of has more information about me that id like her to. partially due to my assumption that she doesnt read my blogs. but i guess she does and i need to be more careful about what i write. i know she doesnt read the xanga. but jara does. i dont think anyone but crystal reads this. maybe not even her.
i hope i can go over to nicks house this weekend. *crosses fingers* i need to give him back his movie. and he needs to give me back my games(thats our excuse). maybe we could go see a movie too. but knowing him he'll probably want to stay home.
i have plans. i think theyll work okay. hopefully.
as of the moment, they include a suicide attempt. but it could change.
i think i need to go get my room cleaned. as much as i can. because uncle cal just moved all of moms stuff out of her room, so half of it is in mine. i can barely move around in there.
or i could just sit here and jam out while mom and carl arent here. thats the better option. :)
ttyl.
i dont think ive updated anything since saturday night. i was too busy(or lazy)yesterday.
sunday went okay. i went out to eat with my dad, diane, and grandma. for her birthday i do believe. i got her a gift card from pier 1 imports. that store fucking rocks.
i wasnt in a very good mood though. just...depressed? i dont know.
after nick left on saturday, i felt like i made a mistake. but i got over it.
he might as well have just punched me in the ribs because i sure felt it in the morning.
today was better. talking to jakob was like an instant fix. he might come over on friday. :) hope so.
*sigh* im not mad at nick. i still like him. i just hoped that boys had emotions too.
i guess not.
he says he doesnt just want sex. but, people lie. not that it would be a problem if he just wants sex. i just wondered what it was like to smash a kids heart into so many pieces that he couldnt put it back together again.
yes, i know im mean. i dont care either.
im wondering if it was my room that made everything so wrong. i dont like anyone in my room after dark. not even myself. but theres no other place to go.
its kind of engraved in my brain. i had severe troubles paying attention today. like in band i kept missing notes and shit. it fucking sucked ass.
i had band lessons during 4th period. which is career ed on B days. :) i had to stay for a little bit while mr.carlson passed our packets back. ariel weddle started fucking crying because nick and haley were yelling at her. that bitch. she fucking yells at everyone but when we yell at her she starts crying.
idiot.
i really wasnt pissed off today. even though it sounds like it.
i was going to take this weekend off. not go anywhere. but mom has to work. and i want to go over to nicks. so i guess i will. maybe i should only stay home on weekends that mom doesnt have to work.
i dont have any homework. just math. and i think im going to flunk english. i have no clue how to end my story. and i need to make a book with it. i suck so bad at drawing. :'(
oh well. i can at least make an end. if i dont get the pictures drawn i guess its okay. i can turn it in late i think.
i wish some kids would come along and take the rest of the fucking candy. i hate having to get up every 5 minutes. sort of. its kind of fun to see what kinds of costumes they have.
i wish i kept my costume from last year so i could scare the living shit out of them. :)
oh, tomorrow will go so slowly. i just know it.
at this moment, i feel like time is going so fast. everything is just passing me by.
this is the side of nostalgia that i dont enjoy. it seems like i just started 6th grade yesterday.
*sigh*
i know what it is. you know those kids that you see in the hall all the time, but you never really talk to them? theyre just there, like part of the school?
matt rayburn and jakob were like that. nick sort of was. he was just the kid i saw when i turned around to look at the clock in social studies. matt was the kid i always saw coming out of the locker room in p.e. i dont think i ever met jakob. maybe he played volleyball with haley and me once. i dont know.
there. all the candy is gone.
i think i need to go upstairs. i need to calm down.
im having severe troubles getting started writing right now.
i guess ill just start with wednesday.
the problem is that i dont remember much of it. i remember playing monkey in the middle with dustin and nick. and that i was really antsy and i didnt get anything done except english. because english kicks so much ass most of the time.
today=not very good at all. a water pipe burst this morning. and carl was gone so he didnt hear it.
haha. i lied and said i didnt hear it. i actually did but i just plugged my ears and went back to sleep. i thought it might be the pipes in the bathroom but then i thought that i shouldnt be so negative.
look where that got me. shit.
i got up on time even though i didnt set my alarm. i dont know how that happened. carl was crabbier than hell(of course). i just tried to be nice and help him clean up. after i got done cleaning the upstairs bathroom i called my grandpa and had him pick me up. i wasnt late for school either. i got dressed, washed my face, brushed my teeth, and straightened my hair in 10 minutes. wowzers.
school sucked. i was kind of expecting it to. i guess jakob told brandon vandepol and his huge group that i fucked with nick.
i could kill that boy. i swear. hes such a motormouth. even though he said he didnt say anything. i doubt it.
i literally could not sit in my seat and pay attention today. i was really antsy. and i had career ed and band with nick. :( not nesassarily a bad thing but today it was. because i was already having severe trouble paying attention. i managed though. i didnt get any homework done except english. fractured fairy tales are just awesome. :) im already halfway done with it. its jack and the beanstalk. ill post it here when im all finished.
oh, its due in a week so im wayyyyy ahead. oh fucking yeah.
things werent so great after i got home. i was going to go over to nicks house. to(supposedly)work on english.
im such a great liar.
i got all my chores done. and i was just going to go upstairs and say hi to my mom. then she starts yelling at me for calling my grandpa and asking for a ride. she said she told me not to.
i just kind of looked at her like, what the fuck? she never said that. never. i swear. i think she was just too tired and stressed out to pay attention to what she was saying. i wouldve noticed if she said, "dont call your grandparents". but i didnt notice.
so after supper i asked carl to take me over to nicks house and mom said i couldnt go.
fuck.
that alone isnt too much of a problem. but. its just all the rules i need to follow. all the things i need to do to keep her happy. like im her slave. ill never be able to do it and shes always telling me its okay. but i know it isnt because she screams at me when i dont make her happy.
to make everything worse, there was this thing in the newspaper about south sioux city kids and alcohol, drugs, sex, blah blah blah. i just hate that because i know kids around here are bad. we have a lot of gangsters and wanksters. and sluts, prostitutes, whatnot. but im not one of them. carl seems to think i am.
all these rules. all these high expectations that i cant meet. these god damn stereotypes. theyre the worst. ive given up trying to prove that im not typical.
i just...want to die right now. painlessly. not cause anyone else pain. i just want to fade away without anyone knowing that i left. i know i said that i would wait until i graduated. but i just dont think i can handle everything. i tried my best and it wasnt good enough. what a surprise.
i shouldve talked to nick. but i couldnt answer the phone. i couldnt stop crying and my fingers wouldnt let me anyway.
*sigh* enough whining. you already know my life sucks and i hate it.
music to my ears=i can go over to nicks tomorrow. we dont have school. :)
i should send teri an e-mail or something. or crystal. i dont exactly like iming.
most importantly, i should get to bed soon. mom wants to go shopping tomorrow. ick. i dont like shopping for clothes. not at all. just music. but ill live. i probably dont hate it as much as guys do.
ttyl.
i slept so awesomely last night. :) it was the first time in quite a while.
nicks mom wont let him come over today. and she wont let me go over to his house either. dammit. she said "you guys have seen each other enough this weekend."
yeah. we saw each other for what, an hour or less on saturday? and the football game.
i think it was kind of stupid for him to hug me right in front of his mom. but meh. his choice. plus i probably did some things that he thought were stupid too. which i will not tell you about.
i dont know what i could do to make nicks mom not so suspicious. nick told me that he cant have a girlfriend until hes 16 because his parents are really religious. i almost didnt get to go over to his house. he said his mom is scared to death that he'll lose his virginity before hes married.
haha. fuck religion.
oh i still have english to do. i guess if i get too lazy i can do math before school. i need to print out some stuff for english though. itd be kind of hard to do that before school.
my dad said he would be coming around...5? i dont know. sometime in the late afternoon.
im usually so crabby on sundays. its a day off but you cant enjoy it knowing that you need to go to school the next day. i think we have friday off this week.
yesh! im having my birthday party then. i know how stupid this sounds, but im scared. theres really nothing to do at my house. plus i hate getting presents when everyone else doesnt get anything.
im not sure who ill invite. nick for sure. cheyenne. id like serena to come but we havent seen each other in forever so i dont want to call her. i want my mom to ask gloria for her e-mail. she thinks i need to have some courage and call people.
the biggest problem=im not inviting jakob and i have absolutely no clue how to tell him that. i know that if i do invite him hes probably going to want to stay after everyone else leaves. so would nick.
to be honest, i never ever want to make out with jakob again. i wont tell him that, i dont really mind if he wont stop. the problem is that i have a feeling he doesnt just want to make out...
ill keep that to myself too.
i feel like iming crystal for some reason. we havent really been talking all that much. we usually say a few sentences and then she has to leave.
well. i should get started on english. ttyl.
